The Shortest Campaign
by Ray by Another Name
Summary: The Robins are playing D&D and the usual grind is interrupted by the rolls of one Dick Grayson. Jason is more than happy to poke a little a fun at his expense. Written for the JayDick Summer Exchange of 2019 on Ao3.


The Robins are playing D&D and the usual grind is interrupted by the rolls of one Dick Grayson. Jason is more than happy to poke a little a fun at his expense.

Written for the JayDick Summer Exchange of 2019 on Ao3.

Prompt from 3isme:  
They have between them one loaf of bread, two water flasks, three arrows but no bow - thanks Jason - and a dagger. And the clothes on their backs. If what Dick is wearing counts as clothing. It's only the final boss, what could go wrong?

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**The Shortest Campaign  
**

Tim's left eye is twitching. Damian is sitting with his mouth open, staring at the table with what Stephanie can only describe as horror.

"What the fuck, Dick?!" Jason stands, hands in hair. Dick purses his lips as he looks at the die sitting in front of him. No matter how many times he blinks, the number does not change. The neon blue die continues to sit there, a black one on its top face.

Stephanie sighs, leans forward on the table as she makes eye contact with Tim, "It's a boss isn't it?" Tim nods. "We're ridiculously unprepared?"

"And under leveled." Tim closes his eyes, leans his head back.

"Alright," Stephanie sits up, palms flat on the table, "Bring it."

Damian squawks. His whole body turned towards Stephanie, "No!" He shakes his head, mouth finally closing, "We cannot even begin to 'bring it' Brown!"

"Damian is correct," Cassandra pipes up between hand fulls of popcorn. She is sitting off to the side, strategically close to the snack table. "The Robins currently hold only: a loaf of bread, two flasks of water, three arrows, a dagger, and the clothes on their back."

Jason snorts, "Dick's character doesn't even have that."

"Hey!" Dick huffs, "Talon is -"

"Wearing a loin cloth made from leaves." Tim sighs, face now planted firmly on the table as his hands wrap around his head. "Your AC is lower than your IQ."

Jason growls, hands clenching in the air, "How do you fail a stealth roll wearing nothing that makes noise?! As a rogue!" His hands came back to the table as he glared at Dick, "Why did you even open the portal?"

"It was a mysterious light!" Dick defends, thumb hitting his chest, "Talon is insatiably curious!" Jason growls again. Tim continues to grumble about his campaign behind his DM folders.

"Enough!" Stephanie yells, arms going out to stop the fight. She points directly at Jason, "Sit." He does. She takes a breath, then smiles at Tim, "What does the flat one do Tim?"

With a heavy sigh, Tim pulls himself back up to do his duty of completely destroying the party. "Talon stumbles over her own feet, falling down three flights of stairs, and knocking into no less than 10 vases filled with flowers." He looks up from his map to roll a d10. "She takes 4 damage."

"Aw!" Dick whines as he changes his temporary hit points to 12. Jason glowers from across the table. He's officially hit Bat-glare levels on his forehead creases.

"The lord of the manner, upon hearing the ruckus, opens his door to find Talon on the ground in the hallway. The rest of the party remains three floors above."

Dick hurumphs, then snaps his fingers, "I still have one action right?" Tim narrows his eyes, but nods. "Talon will seduce the lord of the manor!" Dick jumps onto his chair as he speaks, pointing dramatically at the table map.

"Roll charisma," Tim says, arms crossed as Dick does said roll with his feet still planted on his chair. The neon die stops. The table once more stills.

Damian's face falls into his palms. Cass drops her cookie to come stand beside Stephanie, who's eyes have now gone wide. Jason bursts out laughing.

It's a natural 20.

"The lord of the manor invites Talon into his rooms for the evening." Tim explains as he throws a few dice himself. He looks at Dick. "Roll again."

18\. "22," Dick adds the modifier with no small amount of smugness. Tim's face gets grumpier and grumpier as his dice come to a stop again.

"When morning comes, the lord of the manor turns to dust, having forgotten to close his drapes before retiring with Talon."

Jason bangs on the table with his hands, "Did we just get saved by Dick's dick?"

"Talon is a woman!" Dick interjects. Nobody is listening.

"Sometimes life imitates art," Stephanie raised her hands in a shrug, grin stretching wide, "This time, art is imitating life."

"Hey!" Dick continues to be ignored.

Damian scoffs, "This…game…could hardly be considered art, Brown." Tim's eye starts twitching again. "It's barely even entertainment."

Stephanie's eyes turn to Tim. She is giggling when he lunges for Damian. Cass retrieves her popcorn and the two batgirls turn their undivided attention onto the brawl between the brothers.

"Stop pouting," Jason rests his chin in his palm as he looks at Dick. He's sulking, bottom lip jotting out. "You just defeated the boss we weren't suppose to fight for, probably, another ten levels knowing Tim."

"Talon is a woman," Dick says again. Jason rolls his eyes. Dick continues to pout.

"Fine…" Jason groans, standing slowly from his chair. He side steps the younger brothers - eyeing Damian's snapping teeth as they get dangerously close to Tim's fingers. Once on the other side of the table, Jason drops to his knees.

Dick's eyes go wide and his brows high, "What are you doing?"

"Begging for forgiveness," Jason shrugs before clearing his throat. In what can only be described as a Victorian accent, Jason launches into a drawn out apology. Hands fisted and pleading for drama. "Please! Oh fair maiden, Talon of the High Trees, I beseech you. Forgive us for our horrific trespasses."

Dick huffs, kicking Jason in the knees as Damian and Tim pause to look at them over the table. Cass and Stephanie have already relocated with their popcorn.

Jason blinks, eyes wide and lips plumped, waiting.

"Fine!" Dick rises from his chair, ignoring Jason's twitching lips. "Thank you, kind sir! Your apology is most appreciated!"

Tim snorts, "The falsetto is a little much, Dick."

Dick turns to Tim, hands on his hips and lips puckered, "You didn't like my voice?" A watery hiccup follows.

Jason leaps to his feet, wraps an arm around Dick's shoulder. He holds a hand to his heart as he gasps, "How dare you insult a lady?! And one so kind as our own Talon? You…you…"

"Fustilugs." Damian pipes in. Jason's brow wrinkles, but he continues nonetheless.

"You fustilugs!"

Tim rolls his eyes. A popcorn kernel hits him in the face.

"I think this has been our weirdest campaign to date." Dick grins at Jason as Tim and Stephanie begin to argue. A shout of 'Team Talon' rises behind them as the two oldest ex-robins sneak out of the dining room to the kitchen.

Jason swipes a cookie of the snack table as they pass by, "Definitely our shortest." Dick's nose wrinkles as Jason snickers.

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Reviews Appreciated!


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